I’m too good to you

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If I could make this blog a little more like MySpace, I would have ‘Too Good’ by drake ft. Rihanna play as you read this post. Breaking down, and closely listening to the lyrics, it hits home all too well. My whole life I’ve felt unappreciated by various individuals: family, friends, ex-boyfriends, etc. It’s been a familiar and exhausting routine where I do all that I can to be the best version of myself for someone, because that’s just who I am, and I end up being the one who gets hurt. That totally makes sense!

I look back at the various relationships I’ve had during my life and recognize that I’m just too damn nice. This time around, and what I’ve been realizing these past couple of months, I’m done doing all that I can if the energy is NOT reciprocated. I’m 22 years old and my kindness has been taken advantage of, and that makes me want to kick someone’s ass. I look back at some people and think maybe it’s good they’re no longer in my life. YESTERDAY I’m asking God why he has put me through the pain that I’m going through, but TODAY I know why.

Today is about self-reflection, and as always, moving forward. I can look back and confidently say that I did the best I could, I was the best friend I could be, I was a damn good girlfriend, and I can keep living with a smile on my face. At the end of the day, I’m NOT the one with the regrets, but the one who can weed through the negative ones, to find the genuine ones, and for that is one reason why I smile today.

 

So recognize the real ones, and appreciate them, and when you realize who is good for you, and who isn’t- well life gets a little more simple then.

“Why God? I don’t understand.”

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Today after the gym I sat in my car and cried. I sat and asked God “why?”; I told him “I’m trying to understand, but I can’t.” I don’t want to get into what I was so upset about, but my relationship with God is rough. I grew up catholic, going to church every Sunday with my mom and my brother. Starting in high school, and definitely after it, I stopped going to church, only visiting periodically. I don’t pray very often, but I do believe. I’ll admit it: I’m a lazy and horrible catholic woman.

So why did I sit in my car and talk to the one person who knows what the hell is going on in my life, after all this time? I really don’t know. I strongly believe that what is meant to be, will be. We cannot understand everything that happens to us, and that is where I fail. I want to understand everything.

I want to question why He takes away certain individuals, and why He makes us go through such horrible pain? So here and now, I accept that I will not be able to understand all that goes on, but will persistently try to keep pushing forward. So the next time you wonder and ask God “why?”, remember with me that we may not ever know, but the plan is in action, and what is meant to be, will be.

Elevator for one, please.

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Have you ever noticed that once you step into an elevator, the doors close and all that was on the outside is silenced? The chaos of the world is on the outside, and you are enclosed in a silent box. It’s peaceful when you notice yourself in that quiet, unbothered moment.

My work is on the 6th floor in a bank downtown. Everyday I step inside the silent box to go up and down, and the rides where I am alone are my favorite. Shut in, with peaceful 10 second silence is always nice as my chaotic work space awaits me. We’re not always going to be filled and surrounded with silence like moments in an elevator. But when we are in those moments, it’s best to appreciate and savor them. It’s the small things in life that really give us something to hold onto. I enjoy my alone time. I enjoy peace and quiet. I enjoy the small things.

Why can’t life be more like an elevator ride? More of peace and sanity, less of the chaotic matter that is constantly visible. Do you ever notice that once you step outside the peace of your own home, that you are now stepping into chaos? Sounds illuminate from all around and silence has vanished.

Appreciate the smaller things. Notice the surroundings before you and recognize that the luxuries of life are all around, in the most odd of places. Maybe it’s an elevator?

First of Many

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So here we are, the first of many of what I assume will be a mixture of analytical thoughts, suggestions, (and like the title of this very site) lessons, progressions, and confessions. I should write a children’s book with all this unnecessary rhyming. These thoughts will spew from brain, to finger tips, on to this very page.

The last couple months of my life have been filled with self-growth, learning more about myself, and positive vibes. What triggered all this? A break up will do such a thing! We won’t get into that, and I’m sure I’ll reference it from time to time, but this is about moving forward and growing. The past is in the past, but it has sparked this site, for it is the reason I title and label this whole blog “Lessons, Progressions, and Confessions”.