The Girl On The Left

On December 18, 2019 By gabriellestroup1 Comment

On 12/15/18 I graduated from UNL with my Bachelor’s. I was the first ever person on my dad’s side to graduate with a degree. This day was very special, and just like any grad, I was so proud of myself of what I had just accomplished.

As much as I’d love to say that I was as happy as I looked in this picture, it would be a complete lie. Don’t get me wrong, I was proud, excited, and beyond overwhelmed by this accomplishment, but the happiness I should’ve been feeling was masked by depression, fear, and a broken heart.

I remember celebrating with my family afterwards and just not being able to get to the happiness level I so desperately wanted to be at. I knew in my head that I needed to put the sadness and depression away for just one day, but no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t go away. I remember being so frustrated with how much this sadness in my life affected me. I was so mad that a stupid broken heart was stopping me from enjoying MY day. And honestly, the following months were followed by the same broken feeling.

At the beginning of this year I did everything I could to change all the areas of my life. I wanted a healthier lifestyle, a more positive attitude, to be a better friend, to be a better family member, to enjoy the little things in life, to glow up mentally and emotionally. I even have it written down as my “Lifetime Goals”.

Everyday was TRULY a battle with depression, but when I say a battle, I fucking mean it. What didn’t help was that I was at a job that worsened this depression. I knew that I needed to better ALL areas of my life. This year I lost weight, gained a healthier lifestyle, grew closer to the friends that were healthy for me, got rid of the ones that weren’t, and honestly, I matured greatly. 2019 was a true rough one for me, and I knew I NEEDED to get through it to make me a stronger person overall. I knew I had to push myself through all that life was throwing at me (which it threw a fucking lot, let me tell ya) and just simply get through it.

And that’s my advice: Push, and get through it. Because I knew that once I did, the great things would start happening. As cheesy or cliche as that sounds, the good and amazing things that happened for me were waiting at the end of all the madness.

TO END MY 2019 I:

Applied and got into UNK for my Master’s in School Counseling.

I realized that I was not going to move away from my family as I originally planned. Do you know how many times I applied for jobs outside of Nebraska? They didn’t turn out for various reasons, but I know for a FACT that they didn’t work out for a reason. I am meant to be here in Lincoln….for now at least! I opened my eyes and had to do a little “soul searching” and figure out a plan B. What could I see myself doing? What made me happy? What do I love in life? What am I interested in? And then it hit me. I really love kids, don’t love teaching though, but love being there for others. I love helping, listening, giving advice and guiding.

I also recognize that we NEED more counselors in this world. We need more SUPPORT for our kids! We need more GUIDANCE, and AWARENESS in our schools! I WANT to be that person! I want to make a difference. I want to roam and scout for the kids that separate themselves, who may be getting bullied, who are acting out, who have a hard home life, who just need someone. I desperately want to be the person who helps these growing kids, just how the counselor in my middle school helped me. And that’s how I knew…school counseling is my calling.

GOT A NEW JOB THAT I LOVE

To make this one simple, my old job was deteriorating my mental health. It was a dead end road. I loved my co-workers, but there was just nothing there for me, and it didn’t make me happy at all. I needed to find something that was going to take me to the next level in life. I needed something that I was going to actually look forward to, and was a POSITIVE impact on my life. And there it was, Nebraska Family Dentistry! Just like all my other jobs, it’s so random, but I’m always up for new things, and new challenges. This job has helped me in more ways than one.

GOT MY OWN APARTMENT

Honestly, this is probably something only I’m really excited about BUT it’s been a BIG impact on me, and it really was something that I needed. I’ve been so over roommates, and I’ve been dying for my own space. Ever since I’ve been single, I’ve been working on my independence. I truly love doing my own thing, having my own space, and not having to share anything with anyone. I have truly loved maturing, growing up, and working out life within myself.

This year has challenged me, and has pushed me to grow. I would seriously would not be here if a break up didn’t happen, and I was forced to look in the mirror and figure my shit out. I will always believe that everything is meant to happen. Although there have been so many struggles and obstacles within this year, I wouldn’t change it for the world.

These pictures were taken exactly a year a part. 12/15/18 to 12/15/19. The girl on the left was depressed, heart broken, and so lost. She had no idea what was coming, or what she was going to do.

The girl on the right has finally found her happiness, has found her way, and is FINALLY proud of all of her accomplishments, big and small.

Updates to come for 12/15/20!

22 Things I Learned At 22

On October 3, 2019October 3, 2019 By gabriellestroupLeave a comment

It’s almost annoying how similar I am to my dad, but I just know this is something he would’ve done at my age. We’re both so similar in the fact that we 1. love to write, but 2. love to recollect our lessons and memories and express it in a form of advice for others.

Tonight is my last night of being 22. Again, much like my dad, I am very much a sentimental person, and I pretty much cry the night before every birthday, on every birthday, or both. But I just want to defend myself in saying that I know I’m not alone in the fact that I do this, and I’m not ashamed of valuing my life, and every milestone like a birthday. I’m a crier, ok?

So, yes, tonight I cried. And here’s how it happened. I got done at the gym, and thought to myself, “Ok, I’m going to play 22 by Taylor Swift for the last time, because it’s just not going to be the same tomorrow, or any day after.” So….on the way home from the gym, I cried while singing 22 by Taylor Swift. I’m laughing to myself right now just admitting this, but whatever, I don’t fucking care.

22 has been a HUGE year for me, and to be quite blunt: it was the worst year ever. Seriously! But there was just so much that happened within this year to be honest. It started off with a break up, then I graduated college. Back-to-back, those two events were so hard to take in. Then, here’s the hard part, I fell deeply depressed. SLOWLY overcame the depression. I traveled a lot, worked on my fitness and health, and lost weight. I’ve done so much, and learned so much in this year that I really want to share 22 things I’ve learned while being 22. I’ve learned so much about myself, people, and life. I’m not an expert, but I’m giving my two cents whether you like it or not. So, here’s 22 things I learned at 22.

I was broken up with, and it was a hard time for me. I think what I learned most is: no matter how good you are to someone, or think you are, sometimes it’s just not enough. And you have to accept the reality that it’s just not meant to be, and even though it is so hard, you have to learn to move on. Honestly, it works out for the best in the end, because if we were supposed to be together, we would be. I’m accepting of this, and I’ve happily moved on. I think I really just needed to learn a lot of lessons about that relationship, and about myself. Now that I have, I can use this knowledge for the next one!
That being said…no matter how nice/ good you are to someone, they’ll still do/ say horrible things. My lesson is: these people are showing you their true colors, so believe the reality of what they show you, and let those people go. No need to try to be the “bigger person” anymore. I honestly just act like they don’t exist and go about my day. If they want to flat out disrespect you, then they should not get any ounce of your attention. It’s hard at first, but it’s the truth.
Now onto friends. This year my circle grew a little smaller….and I’m actually very happy this happened! In life, you just have to weed out the bad ones. That can honestly be applied to almost anything, but in this lesson, number 3, I’m applying it to friends. Life is so hard as it is, and friends are supposed to be there for support or to make you laugh. If they’re not being a good friend to me, then I give them the good ole Gabby boot, and so should you! Who cares if your circle shrank, or you have no one. FIND YOUR PEOPLE! My friends know me for me, and they know how I am, and guess what? They still love me for it. Anyone else who doesn’t can honestly kiss my ass.
I’ve only been preaching this one for MONTHS, but: SELF-LOVE. I grew sooooo much self love for myself this year! I grew confidence and happiness, and it’s all because I like how I am, and I like who I am, and I think everyone should feel this way about themselves. And honestly, a breakup will teach you just that. You have to re-find your worth, and rediscover your identity. That was my hardest challenge, and once I got there, I flourished and transformed. Why do you think I got butterflies tatted on me for goodness sake? This bitch has flourished and changed, and I could not be more proud of myself.
Family. You know, when I was in a relationship, I didn’t see my family as much. I will never do that again. My family is my everything, my backbone, my biggest cheering section, and no one’s got me like they do. My parents have helped me through so many things, and I just seriously will never take them for granted. Lesson learned: appreciate your fam.
Family IS everything, but not all family. I’ve learned that I don’t have to respect someone just because we’re blood. Sounds harsh, right? Not everyone may agree, but I just don’t think I need to love someone automatically when our relationship is non-existent. So, it’s ok to not love all of your family. Just saying.
Life is hard, but an inch forward is an inch forward. This year I was so confused about life. I struggled for so long if I wanted to move or not, or what career I wanted to pursue. It was really challenging to figure out, because I sincerely had no clue what I wanted to do, but I knew in order to grow financially or career wise, I had to figure it out! But! I! Couldn’t! But then eventually I did!
I learned how rewarding it is to eat healthy, to work out consistently, and to get a good nights sleep the majority of the time. I will never go back to my old habits, and I’m so glad I turned my health around. This year has shown me what getting into a good healthy routine can do for you and your health.
Ok. I learned, even though it’s so annoying, that it’s ok to miss someone. It’s ok to miss someone even though they are 100% completely undeserving of it. It doesn’t mean I’ll reach out, or say hi, because I won’t. But I love with my whole heart, and I realized it’s ok to miss someone, because at one point, they were a big part of my life, and I can’t discount that. So, it’s ok to miss someone, just don’t reflect too much, because that’ll just get ya down and blue sister.
This year I learned to value the little things. Even if they’re the tiniest things, or put a temporary smile on your face, value it! I value my coffee, because I really do look forward to it. I value Sudoku, because it’s a nice little way to distract me from my anxiety, and I value The Office, because it’s the best show ever. Small things make a big difference, and you have to love the little things in life.
Sometimes you have to work at a place that does not make you happy, because you’re still trying to figure life out. Most of 22, I didn’t have any sort of my life together, but what I did have was a job that paid the bills. I know sometimes we have to do something or work somewhere that doesn’t make us happy at all, but remind yourself it’s only temporary, and that it’s helping you build yourself. It’s helping you while you figure things out.
This one is so simple, but wow I was not good at this before. Here it is: If someone is not giving you the time of day that you deserve, then YOU don’t give them the time of day. If someone isn’t giving you the effort that you are putting in, then YOU stop giving all your effort since it’s not being matched. Stop wasting your time on people who don’t deserve it! People should earn their way into your life, and they shouldn’t get an excuse for not putting in effort or attention. Shit needs to be equal. Do not under value yourself.
I have never felt more alone, depressed, confused, and anxious more in this year than I have ever in my entire life. But, I have never learned more about myself than I have this year. I think we all have to go through some really tough things to truly understand ourselves. I was forced to figure shit out, and it was the biggest challenge ever, but it was the most rewarding. I’m so happy I’ve spent 22 working on me, and I think you have to do that alone. Or at least, it was best for me this way.
Skin care. Skin care. Skin care.
Do things for you from time to time. Order some clothes online, or go eat at that place you’re craving. This probably falls under self love, but I think we should treat ourselves way more often than what we do. I think we should make ourselves our number one priority, because only you are really stuck with yourself for the rest of your life. So I’m going to make myself happy.
Travel more. Probably easier said than done, but I’ve traveled so much this year, and I’m so thankful for it. You really just learn so much more about yourself when you travel. You get to decide how you spend your days, where you want to eat, and what you miss and don’t miss. I hope I can travel as much at 23.
Don’t let your guard down too fast. I unfortunately have done this one too many times, and it bites me in the ass every time. Stop it, Gabby! Fuck. But yeah, seriously, sometimes you just have to be a damn onion. Give them one layer at a time, hunny, and make sure they work for those layers!
Don’t be afraid to be you and to show yourself though. I’m expressive and an over-sharer, and I’ll still post blogs about how I’m feeling, etc. and I won’t care if y’all read it or not. If you’ve made it this far: hello.
DON’T LET PEOPLE KNOCK YOU DOWN!!! Fuck those people!!! You need to grow up and be courageous by putting your foot down and standing up for yourself. And honestly, I don’t care if it’s at work, to a stranger, an ex, or to a friend; you need to seriously stand up for yourself, because it’s your life and no one gets to boss you around!
I’ve learned that even if my morals and beliefs don’t match up with someone else’s, then that does not mean there needs to be any disrespect or harsh feelings towards someone. You just accept what they believe, and you move on. My parents are 100% against tattoos, and I have 7, so they know about them, can hate them, and now move on. My body, my beliefs. Their bodies, their beliefs. We respectfully disagree about tattoos…and we move on. Plain and simple.
I learned that I want to be a school counselor! So, I’m going to get my masters in school counseling! Yay!
This one is so cliche, but some things are so hard to actually BELIEVE, but: honestly, everything is always going to work out. Life gets so hard, rough patches get long, but you just have to push forward. You. Have. To. Life is going to work out as it should, and you just have to keep working at being a better person, a happier person, and a more positive person. Have that faith that everything really is going to work out, but actually work on yourself too! Nothing fixes itself.

Thank you reading my 22 lessons that I gathered this year at 22. It’s been a tough, yet rewarding year for me, and although most of it was hard, I wouldn’t changed any of it. You shouldn’t change the tough parts, because they always lead you to the good ones.

Also, Happy 23rd Birthday to me!

Why Disappointment Is The Worst Feeling Of All

On February 17, 2019 By gabriellestroupLeave a comment

Lately I’ve had my fair share of disappointments and disappointing others. It really is worse than anger or just sadness alone, because disappointment first starts off with a glimmer of hope, an excitement almost, but then the action happens, and then you’re left with sadness/ anger/ confusion/ and the feeling of being let down. Disappointment is a feeling that is harder to go away; you’re more frustrated with yourself, because you let yourself feel hope, only for it to be taken away.

I’m disappointed with myself because I let others get close enough where I let them disappoint me. I’m disappointed with how I let myself feel hope, only for it to be gone in a matter of seconds. I thought things would be fine, or that a person’s mind would change, but the thing with disappointment is, that it pairs greatly with expectations you had that were not met. Having expectations that do not pan out leads to the inevitable feeling of disappointment.

I’m disappointed with others and how they treat me. I know I’m not perfect, but I see the best in others. I feel the glimmer of hope of maybe a changed mindset or changed actions, but it left me hurt and disappointment and with a crushed heart. I guess it’s hard because you know how you are, and how people should treat you, but it’s never how it should be. People can be arrogant and they can be selfish. They don’t understand that the best and worst quality of a person is their heart, and when they have yours in the palm of their hand, it’s mistreated and taken advantage of.

Disappointment allows you to grow, but it unfortunately is the foundation of a guard you feel yourself start to put up. It teaches you a lesson, and serves as a reminder as to how good your heart is for having hope in the first place, but to also remind you that hoping can be dangerous. People will continuously disappoint you all your life, but you can only work on you and you not giving someone else that same feeling. Keep your heart big, but maybe keeping that guard up, to protect your heart, wouldn’t be such a bad idea either.

Everyone Deserves To Be Loved

On February 15, 2019February 15, 2019 By gabriellestroupLeave a comment

There are people in this world that repress love in all forms. They will unintentionally, or intentionally, push away the ones that love them the most. There are multiple reasons why someone could be doing this. It could be stemmed from childhood memories, or how they grew up. Could be from previous relationships that did not end well. It could be because that person does not know how to love themselves firstly, and is having a hard time expressing a love to another. What I do know for certain though is: Everyone deserves to be loved. Everyone.

You could be the kindest person, or one who views themselves as unlovable, but ultimately, whoever you are, you deserved to be loved. And that can be so scary. I know how it feels to feel unlovable. My first boyfriend made me feel invaluable and not special. He made me feel as though I couldn’t do better, but eventually I found my way and I moved on to someone else! Although I’m single now, I know I deserve the best kind of love there is, just like everyone else.

What genuinely makes me sad is when people push away the ones that love them the most. My recent ex pushed me away, for multiple reasons, but linking this post to another, you cannot control the decisions of others, so whatever is meant to be, will be. He still deserves the best kind of love, even if he pushes it away.

The thing is, we’re all scared of love. It pushes you to be vulnerable and to trust someone fully, and that could potentially lead to heartbreak. Personally, I feel very scared to love again. I know how it feels to break so gruesomely on the inside, and I never want to go through that again. I know how it feels to feel the worst kind of disappointment. I know how it feels to wonder why it didn’t work out, and why you weren’t enough. I know how it feels to feel every kind of sadness there is. Honestly, I’m not looking forward to opening myself up to someone new, or to “start over”. It scares the shit out of me actually. And secretly, I don’t want to do it. It’s not like I’m searching anyway; I’m more focused on working on myself to be honest, but when I do run into a new potential love– I know it’s going to scare me. But here I am, reminding myself just as I am reminding you: we all deserve the best and the most pure kind of love there is. A love that does not fail. A love that is full of happiness, sadness, trust, laughter, friendship, strength, and everything else there is that love provides. It will not be perfect, but it will be everything we need. It will be worth the wait..and guess what? When it finally does come, we’ll deserve it!

I wonder

On February 13, 2019 By gabriellestroupLeave a comment

I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about you all the time and wonder what life has been like for you these past three months. I would be lying if I said I didn’t hate you, or that I didn’t love you. In fact, I would be the biggest liar in Nebraska if I said I didn’t think any of those things.

I do wonder about you…all the time, actually. It’s days like today where it gets me down thinking about how I’m not the one you choose to spend some of your days with. It hurts to think I’m not the one you talk about your days to. And it especially hurts knowing you aren’t my partner in crime, my best friend anymore.

I wonder what your life routine is like now. I wonder if you’re happy, and not the happy you tell other people, but if you’re actually doing good deep down. I wonder if you even wonder about me.

I wonder why you couldn’t be mature enough for a relationship with me. I wonder when you’ll finally realize what you lost, and how much it fucking sucks for me. And I wonder if you even care.

Living With The Decisions You Make

On February 10, 2019February 10, 2019 By gabriellestroupLeave a comment

Sometimes it’s really hard to sit back and watch people make the decisions they make, and not want to slap them upside the head. Sometimes I look back at myself from just a few years ago and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Life is so weird in that way where you just go with the flow due to the decisions you make. Just one decision can alter our world, and we have to live with it.

There’s a few people in mind where I wonder if they had chosen differently, would I still be in their life today? Or if they just saw things from my point of view, would they choose differently? I could ponder all day how different life would be if the people in my life had chosen differently, but what I know for sure is, at the end of the day, I don’t have to live with those decisions: they do.

As humans, we are full-on curious about everything, and we question everything as we should. But there are things we cannot control, and one of those things are other people’s decisions. We can try to persuade, and nudge someone in a specific direction, but if it’s not the decision you had hoped them to make, you have to live with it, just like they do, for the rest of your life. We can’t always get what we want, but we live with it, and we move forward.

Personally, I hate to see people leave my life, especially when I strongly feel like our business on this earth isn’t done. If someone does not want to be in my life, then I need to accept that. It was their decision, and that is something THEY will have to live with in their heart, for the rest of their life. Sitting back is hard when you want to slap that person and say, “What are you doing??” But guilt is real, and one day people do realize the mistakes they had made. Unfortunately, it just might take awhile.

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.”

Something I regret is losing a friend, because I kept a bad friend stay in my life. She advised me that this other friend was negative and mean, and just plain unhealthy for me. And she was right, and now both of them are not in my life anymore. I had lost a great friend due to the fact that I decided to keep someone close, whom I shouldn’t have. This is something I regret and will live with forever.

But the last thing I am going to say about this is: if you do realize you’ve made a mistake, then do not let pride hold you back from reaching out and trying to undo what you did. You never know if that person will welcome you back with open arms, or it might take a little barrier to get back to where things were, or it just might be too late as well. You never know, but you won’t know unless you make that decision to try. Because at the end of the day, it’s your life, and you have to live with what you’ve decided. Will you regret it?

Perspective: the silver lining in every situation

On February 6, 2019February 6, 2019 By gabriellestroupLeave a comment

Take a minute to really understand and grasp the meaning behind these pictures. These two pictures are powerful, and should serve as daily reminders that there is always a silver lining behind every difficult situation.

“Baby, don’t you know, all o’them tears gon’ come and go. Baby you just gotta make up your mind that every little thing is gonna be alright.” Be Alright- Ariana Grande

As creatures of habit, and ones that tend to find little things to bitch about, it is important to start changing your perspective and mindset for the better. Behind every hard situation is something beautiful waiting to be revealed. Take a minute to think of something you have gone through, and now think of why you’re grateful that situation happened.

In 8th grade I went through severe depression. I started counseling, my dad called the principal to see if changing schools would be the best option, and no one understood what was going on. I was in a horrible rut. I cried every day, I had no appetite, I had no desire to go to school, I was confused about life and who I was. I was scared of everything, and it was a horrible horrible time in my life. For months I was like this. BUT the silver lining that came to light was that when I came out of my depression I turned into the most outgoing, goofy, more confident little lady. Looking back, I am so glad I had to go through that to find out who I was. Obviously I didn’t learn everything about myself, but it turned me into a confident girl, ready to take on challenges that did not scare her, and I am so proud of who I was and who I turned into. The flower picture above is what describes this situation most. I BLOOMED after my depression.

I have gone through three break ups. Three heart breaks that were devastating and horrible, where my first two boyfriends really fucked me up mentally and it was so so challenging to get through those. But I learned new things about relationships, myself, what I wanted out of a guy, and re-learned how amazing I was!

“It’s like something has to die to help you realize – damn I feel alive.” Alive – Kehlani

During the hard times, find the positives! I know its hard, trust me!! But once you focus on your mentality, and focus on having a healthier mentality, you are starting the journey to a more positive lifestyle and attitude! Becoming a more positive person takes practice! It’s not a switch that you can flip, but a mentality that takes time to form and deploy in your daily life.

So start practicing! And if you’re going through a hard time right now, please know that there is something beautiful and magical awaiting to be unfolded and discovered. I STRONGLY believe that everything happens for a reason, so please continue on working on being the happy, positive person that you can be, and then life will show you kindness and love back. God gives you what you need, and He shows you what you don’t need. He teaches us these beautiful lessons, and we HAVE to trust Him.

2/1/19 was the clarity I needed

On February 5, 2019February 5, 2019 By gabriellestroupLeave a comment

This weekend did it for me! And before I even explain anything, just know that figuring out what I wanted to say, and how I wanted to say it, was definitely challenging. I have so much I want to express, and so much I want to share, that I didn’t even know what to title this. But let me just tell you: 2/1/19 was what I needed.

Sometimes after a breakup, you go through so many difficult paths, emotions, and thoughts. This one has been really challenging for me, because when I love, it’s deep and real, and loyal. But it takes awhile to get to the point where you figure out that everything really is going to be just fine without that person! And if they don’t want you in their life, then why THE FUCK would I want them in mine? It’s so simple right? But no person can fully grasp that after a break up.

I can only think of me in this situation and what is going to better MYSELF. During these almost three months, I have chosen to grow mentally, I have chosen to mature, I have chosen to eat cleaner, I have chosen to dedicate myself to the gym, and I have chosen to proceed with moving on. It took little steps, and it also took a freakin’ village, and I am so so grateful for that village of supporters. The difference about me is that I chose to reach out to my support group, and I chose to do what I needed to do to get back to happy Gab. And let me tell you, I am back to loving myself, I am back to being silly and goofy, and I am back to being the cool me that I know that I am.

In the past three months I have been to Denver twice, Florida in December, and headed to LA this coming weekend. I’m healthier mentally and physically, and guess who is looking for jobs out of state?? This girl! Woo! Is that independent enough for you? *cough cough* Guys, I am so excited for the future, and I can’t tell you enough how happy I am about life. It was dark for a bit, and emotions would be going up and down, but I am so lucky!

So cheers to a day filled with happy thoughts, well-wishes, but mainly, CHEERS TO MOVING ON. If you choose to digress, then that’s on you. My potential is unlimited, and I’m climbing baby, so watch the fuck out.